Out and about

Three weeks ago the movement started
it was a subtle earthquake.

in less than a week I bought my plane tickets

put some things in the suitcases

and crossed the ocean dragging behind me 40 kilograms,

and without saying good bye to many beloved people

(whose names I don't dare to mention)

I still don't have a permanent place

my belongings are still packed

no internet no phone no house

only the road ahead..

(Thanks to miss Carla Afonso for this beautiful song)

I want to cast a spell

I want to cast a spell
But not a love spell
I don't want to steal a lock of your hair
while singing impenetrable incantations
neither want to tie you to me by force or magic

I want to cast a spell
but not a money spell
I don't want to wither like an ancient alchemist
searching for the secret of transmutation

I want to cast a spell
a spell of freedom and protection,
A healing spell to frighten away this sadness,
to shut up once for all the screaming of my old scars,
a spell to burn down
this fleet of black ships lying under the sun
as a premonition,
a spell to embrace love and life
and happiness and beauty and all those undefinable concepts
which only can be described with words that are not yet invented
or are too old to be remembered

Look at me
I am casting a spell
there are not lit candles or burned incense
I am not summoning the elements or inviting in the four directions.
I can recognize my voice
sweet and deep at the same time
here is me, simply,
shivering as a broken bird
face to face with my nude self

Levitation

That small moment
not even a second...
impossible to measure  under rational terms,
that small moment when everything froze
and you lose the sense of time and space,
that second of a second
when you can hear the sound of the things falling down

Are you going to be fast enough to catch them?,
do you have the skills to prevent  them smashing into pieces?
or are you going to stay there,
immobile,
looking at the parable taking shape while they fall,
waiting for the crash,
amassed by the multiple little fragments flying out of your sight,
now missed for ever under the furniture.

That second of a second

between the jump and the landing,

when you wish to have the gift of levitation

because after a few seconds in the air

you can hear the sound of your life and your body and your hopes falling down.

Are you going to land on your feet?

Are you going to lose one of your seven lives? (you have already lost so many)

or are you going to smash into little pieces like a wine glass?

This second of a second

it has lasted centuries or a blink?

Am I levitating or falling down?

I can hear the sound of my life and my body and my hopes falling down

sorting out

B-day cards,postcards, old photographs,

books yellowed by the past of the time,

CDs, vinyl records, cassettes from my youth,

museum maps, notebooks and diaries,

brushes, watercolors,

beloved jackets,

holed shoes,

a couple of reminders of old scars

all them piled out...

laying on the floor

hanging out of the drawers

spreaded as tarot cards telling me my fortune

whispering... 

and I am here trying to sort them out

I know I can't carry them with me

but then I realise that they are already part of what I am

'Postcards and letters
T-shirts and sweaters 
Passports and Parkas 
Mobiles and chargers 
Two tennis rackets 
Blue Rizla packets 
A new sheep-skin jacket 
I lost it all 

All through my life there have been 
Many rare and precious things 
I have tried to call mine 
But I just cannot seem
To keep hold of anything 
For more than a short time 
Possessions of a sentimental kind 
They were mine, now they're not 

Gym-kits and trainers 
Asthma inhalers 
Silk-cuts and Bennies 
Ten-packs and twenties 
C-class narcotics 
Antibiotics 
The holes in my pockets
I lost it all 

All that I'd like is to know
Just where do those lost things go? 
When they slip from my hands 
Then one night in a dream 
I passed through a sheepskin screen 
To a green, pleasant land 
I found them all piled up into the sky 
And I cried tears of joy'

Waiting room

Living in a waiting room

nothing lasts more than a few seconds

being in transit is the only constant

people, loves, fears, come and go

some times I wish them to stay a little longer but that isn't possible

waiting rooms also have rules

there are not farewells, there are not welcoming parties

there is only ambiguity

this vacuum full of juxtaposed forces and feelings

Now that the time of departure is almost here ...  again

I am afraid of leaving

my bare feet are hanging upon the floor

unsure of the path to follow

I am leaving or I am going back?

Pessoa's verses are in my head

speaking to me

hunting me

warning me???

Partir!
Nunca Voltarei
nunca voltarei porque nunca se volta.
O Lugar a que se volta é sempre outro,
A gare a que se volta é outra.
Já nao está a mesma gente, nem a mesma luz, nem a mesma filosofia.
Partir! Meu Deus, partir! Tenho medo de partir!... 

Fernando Pessoa

Diasporic

'How can I Accept  a limited definable self  when I feel, in me,  all possibilities?'

Anais Nïn 

I love the sound of the word
I say it aloud DIASPORIC
and the image of a dandelion
blowed in the wind comes to my mind,
thats how I feel most of the time
blowed in the wind
hanging in the air
without roots...
under the mercy of the changes of
the weather and the times

Some days I wonder if I live in a country
made of internal diasporas
of displaced souls as my soul
I don't know the answer
I only know that we are a mixture
made of forgotten memories
made of official stories and untold histories
I know I am not white, not yellow, not black, not red
I am a mestiza
I know so little and I wonder so much

Love letter

I am decided to dance

on the streets or on the table

in my pyjamas or in my tango shoes

no matter where or when,

dance with all my body and soul

my life is changing so fast

I am loosing my bearings at every second

but maybe if I dance all the way through

just trying to feel the rhythm

maybe if I flow with the beat...

I may be able to make sense of these

moody days, of all this new feelings

of all this love and blueness..

I am decided to dance

no matter the rhythm life is playing

no matter the place or the time

because while dancing I feel alive

I even love myself when I am dancing

I can take my imperfections and enjoy the little beauty on me (with my extra pounds and curly hair)

Some times I miss my dancing partners

all this amazing people that have touched me in unspeakable ways

people I love and care about

or people I will love to have the time to know a little better

but who is dancing on a different realm

this is a love letter for my dancing partners

the ones I haven't seen in years

the ones who ripped my heart into pieces

the ones that have been always there no matter distance and time

the unconditional ones

the ones I have hurt sometimes without noticing

the ones that have passed like shooting starts

the ones with whom I want to dance with but... 

they don't want to dance with me

this is a love letter for you all
thanks for giving me the pleasure of dancing with YOU